What can be lost,
to someone you never had?
What more can hurt,
to someone who you never been with?
What more can you say,
to someone who doesn’t listen?
And why complain about it,
to someone who does not care?
Why be sincere,
to someone who lies?
Why be nice,
to someone who has no time to notice?
Above all else…
Why do I still care?
for someone
Who does not want my presence?
Sometimes to Love is not Show at ALL.
Infatuations. Admirations.
I’ve had plenty of them.
Chinita’s Meztiza’s Bombshelf-Pinays…love them all
but this is one of a kind.
A Mom.
A mom like no other.
She studies nursing all throughout the day. And works at night to provide financial stability and and most of all she has a 10 year old boy.
She’s very pretty like a Meztiza, She’s hot like a Bombshell-Pinay. and She’s alluring and sexual in my taste as a Chinita.
Just one of my admiration. Nothing new. But as I think about it more, she’s more attractive being a mom rather than looking at her as a single hot woman.
I don’t know. It’s not my 1st time to be attracted to someone hardowrking. Day and Night her work never stops. And Yet she maintains a fun and bubbly aura that I can;t help but stare when she’s all smiles and bubbles.
She’s also cute like a 3 year old little girl. She has this long buttony nose. And cheeks you want to die to hold.
She has sexual…i mean alluring waiste. And her ass…hmmm…She is attractive to say in short.
But what stole my heart was not her looks, in fact if she looked 10x less than now I’d still say she’s attractive. It’s her …It’s HER..it’s something in her that magnetizes me even more I stare at her.
She’s hardwroking. She’s fluent, she speaks in a manner that she is more fluent than any I’ve known. She’s dress in pop-culture genre and yet still looks alluring, Her face is so angelic…im probably saying this because im attracted to her BUT!… she is. cute and very pretty.
Now that I think about it, she’s not HOT in terms of physiques. She is hot in her physique as a stereotypical libido pulsing male would say but…she’s attractive in her manner of who she really is… OJ.
It’s not her body or her face. But it’s her character. It’s who she is that is unmistakably attractive. It’s her who she is deep down.
I’ve had a chance to get to know her as a friend. And as her admirer. We usually joke on it a few times but only enough to cut some weight on the issue.
But today, I was hurt, more than ever. I thought that It was just attraction. But attraction never hurts. Never did for me. Attraction will be gone in a few days or weeks. Why can’t I shake this off?!
It’s consuming me. I think about her most when I’ve got alot of things to do. She comes into my mind when I don’t have things to do…
What the hell is this?!
I can’t shake her off. I thought this would be just gone in a few laughs or two…
It’s not in the matter of keeping it. But I NEED to shake her off.
I’m getting more hurt than enjoying just watching her.
It pains me to see that people see her just as one sexy lady.
She is not just that, she is attractive deep down…
Why can’t guys see that?
Why can’t they see that?
Is this Love?! PFFT! I hope not! Let’s all hope not. I can be very obsessive. And it’s what scares alot of girls in me. Too much love daw that it’s choking them.
It’s been fun knowing her. It’s been magical knowing her deep down. And it’s been heartwarming to be upclose to her. It’s been a dreamy experience walking with her with places. And if it were a dream come true, we’d have a date in a Taguanao brdige just looking at the moon and eating dinner. And talking about her. That would be my dream.
But just because she’s one of a kind, does not mean I need to have her, Just because I feel the same justifies my need. Nor am I good enough for her.
“it’s just an admiration…” -OJ
it is. I hope it still is. for my sake. I hope i won’t fall in love with you.
I’m getting pains in my chest just feeling this way.
Sometimes to Love you is not To love you at all or to show you Love.
So this is Christmas for this year?
Ive had nothing but hardships, heart breaks, consistent disappointments and more heart breaks.
Everywhere i look at places I drive by, I remember the laughter and the happiness I used to hold. What used to be a good memory for me is now a heart ache for me to look at.
I had 5 pesos left in my bank for me to buy stuff for my own. And guess what I had a major fight with my mom and she shouted: "where do you think you got your money from?"
so that was how it was… they pay for your education and as soon as their upset they slap it back to your face like you owe them money for making the biggest mistake by having you born.
I hate my dad. More than ever. He is an insensitive bastard! he knows that I watned a laptop and a guitar, guess what he did?!
when we had dinner with his friend Kawakame-San, HE was all happy and shit " Steph, gwapo kayo magpalit kog Piano para kay Meg, Drums para kay joshua and New laptop and Sony Cam for your sister …"
"oh and by the way you can have your sisters old Laptop for CHRISTMAS… isnt this great?!"
Ya think?!
FUCKING DICK!
so fucking insensitive.
And i have a roommate who doesn’t respect me at all. He uses my PC whenever i turn my back, doesn’t even turn it off properly. Comes home late at night and wakes me up to open the door , DRUNK. Every single fucking day. "Lep pa check ko sa e-mal nako kadale" then uses the computer for 5 hours….
I have really given up on the "looking" quest of finding the right girl to be with. Inestead I shut myself completely to those. I’m not saying I’m gay. It’s just that it’s really hard work to force yourself to a person, to make a move, it never works for me…
It’s easier for me to be stupid and be liked by others then it would lower the standards. But if I make a move, it’s really hard. And they’d never tell you they don’t want you, but you’d have to experience a series of strange phenomenon of lies and evasion. And they would tell you they are not, BUT IT"S FUCKING OBVIOUS!Don’t you just hate that?!
It’s been a good semester for me last sem because of a group of people that I ended up being a part of them.
Let me start off with the least relevance to my demise:
Merjo or Honey Love: We started talking when we were classmates at almost all of our subjects and she was sweet kind of reminds me of my little sister meggy. Sweet and Sour. She’s very sweet and she can be very sour to people. And that’s Merjo, who I wish my litter sister will grow up to be…
But she suddenly stopped showing up to class, so I figure… why not check up on her…but she kept saying she was OK, which made me look like a JACKASS. but anyway I wasn’t really that pissed…
[ANGER-0-METER][##------------------] 2/10
Jorey: He’s like my half brother Jacob. He is a Laid back kind of guy. He’s good and he’s very friendly and polite. I was just disappointed when He and the other’s had to lie to me when I knew it was Shaz b-day and everyone kept their best not to tell me or something…
I maybe passive but I’m not stupid…
over all I’m not angry with Him, I just didnt like the way they all lied to me…
[ANGER-0-METER][###-----------------] 3/10
Joy: Nothing to say much. She’s a good person. A good friend.
[ANGER-0-METER][--------------------] 0/10
Reynan: —–im not really sure with him. He can be trusted but he doesn’t trust me.
[ANGER-0-METER][??????????????????] ??/10
Yhang: After I told her that I didnt want to see Shaz anymore. She sort of…I don’t know. Distant?! I think, she thinks I have a crush on her and she’s avoiding me or something… I mean I can tell man that people are avoiding me. It’s not my 1st time. And thanks to her it wasn’t just once. I dont really get it, I mean, Ive told her so many times that I t was Shaz that I liked and wanted to avoid..and shes the one avoiding me. it’s not like I made up some story. None! So its got be it.
What pisses me off is that Yhang was beginning to grow in me, I was starting trust her and tell her stuff about how i felt about Shaz which is I rarely do: TRUST people like a best friend does…and now she’s avoiding me?! THE HELL FOR MAN?!
[ANGER-0-METER][??????????????????] ??/10
SHAZ
I cared less what she looks like or how pretty she is. It’s the happiness I fell whenever im with her. I could talk for hours talking everything about me. And I feel bizarrely honest to her. I dont know. I think i caught her off guard when I asked her to go home with me almost every other day… I was being just a friend. But…she was starting to avoid me….She’d say now she wasn’t but I could tell man. there was one time I waited for her so that we can go home together. I mean thats the only time I can ask her for so that I can talk to her…nothing more than that. but wishfully thinking that I might get a chance to show her who i am. She said she’d be back and she’s going to meet her friends…but it was past 7 and I waited for her at school. she went home ahead. from then on, I knew people knew the real reason why she’s avoiding me and kept it from me. And it broke my heart, becoz she was the one I was happy not for her face but by her personality. and she lied to me. and what broke my hear into pieces was that they all knew this and kept it from me.
It wasn’t her face nor her beauty that captured me, I guess that’s what people expect when they see her. She was someone I enjoyed talking about whimsical stuff, I enjoyed chatting with her with horror films, nursing stuff and mostly funny stuffs. I felt like I could talk to her with everything…
I wanted to spend more time with her…I’d always ask her if she could join me taking a ride home….
Did I took my step a little bit more than I should? Did I made a move more than what she’d normally allow a person? Was my car to damp smelling? Or was it really because I wasn’t her physical type? I never knew where I went wrong…Or how to think. She’s pretending not to ignore me but she was actually straying off.
People Could never lie completely to me…I’m partially omniscient.
She was ignoring me whether or not she will ever admit or not…i knew.
And like a hot knife, It stabbed me straight in my heart. I saw her profile saying she misses someone like an EX boyfriend. BOOM! There my heart was ripped apart. and dragged off with her…
I really liked her. Much. Not her face! Our conversations. The funny moments. How can I compete at someone when I myself dont belive in competition! I like her! Period! She’s not some trophy I need to win!
But I guess I did not stop and listen. I like her that’s all. But all she wants is probably someone who is handsome or good looking. Well good luck!
Keep on stabbing my heart shaz. so I can forget you as soon as you want me to! I just wish I would have made a good impression before I start drifting away. I like you! not for your beauty! Not for your skin! Hell NO!
I like the Shaz that I talk that day when I was in the car and we talk almost everything! But I guess you want someone more physicaly well endowed. I can’t compete with that! Coz you are a part of my heart now and not some trophy that boys flaunt.
But I guess I’m no good for you.
There isn’t much in me or that I have that I can share to people. And I feel it’s not enough to repay my sins that that haunts me each time I got so sleep.
But I share what I have even there isnt left.
I gave out alot…
and no questions asked because I love what I do and I do it with Love…
But it’s not worth walking around with an empty heart. Because even though I do not expect payment. I ask for company…
and it shames me to say that all is left empty.
i never ask.
I never show.
But I do want to be shown some attention…
and it shames me to say.
even my friends can not afford to give a little time for a piece of a their heart for a troubled person.
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